I wanna say sorry in advance for my bad english... you know, I'm a lucano, that means a person coming from Lucania, a small region in south Italy... although I lived long time abroad, I have never mastered my english. My foult, my regret, but at least I can communicate, right?
And that's why I am writing in english, and not in italian as usual, because I wish these words will arrive, one day, to Min Jie, the target, the main character of this post. I am writing as a stream-of-consciousness, no stop, I won't go back and correct myself, but I just wanna express and voice out my feelings.
I am still dealing with depression, where I fell down because of a wrong person of my life and wrong choices I met during the last three years... right now I have moved back to my hometown, and this makes me feel warmer... but I still haven't fully recovered. This bad status makes my stomach and intestine work bad, I can't eat normally, and my weight now is 59kg... that, related to my height, 183 cm, it's awfully low.
But. But. At least, I succeed to realize what led me to the gutter I now find myself: my stagnation, my regrets, my indolence, laziness, all these put together made me lose a great number of opportunities to reach the happiness. Many times in my near past I reached points where I had clear opportunities to change my life in better, but I just wasted those because of fear, laziness... I was afraid to go out my comfort zone.
However, before I mentioned Min Jie... why? What this name has to do with my depression, and my wasted opportunities? Well, that's just the name of the woman who offered me a REAL chance to move my life in better.
Min Jie is a girl born a grew up near Yinchuan, the capital city of Ningxia, a chinese province in the north-center of China; the province of Hui, the muslim chineses. She spent though five years in the US, a couple of those in NY and the rest in LA, and thanks to her fluent english we could know eachother in November 2016, during one of my usual western coffee breaks in Yinchuan, where I lived for almost 3 months that year, working for a luxury hotel. At that time I had already reached the point where I could not stand anymore China and chineses... just to explain you better, Yinchuan is a forth tier city, it's not like Shanghai or Beijing... and chineses living there are the REAL chineses... many of them are peasants, have manners far away from standards I was used to in Italy and Japan... and moreover, I was still young, picky, couldn't fit myself well in a so different environment.
Anyway, Min Jie step in Starbucks on that 15? 20? of November, and literally changed my days... her sincere smiles finally brought me a ray of light. She was different to all the people around... and I'm not only talking about chineses, but HUMANS... she was bright, genuine, emotional, truly excited about everything she talked about... she was ALIVE, she LOVED the life, she loved talking, she loved the new, the experiences, the diversity, the travels... the LIFE... she sprayed out all her zest for life. And yeah, she was beautiful, a natural beauty that didn't need any make up or fancy dress. She loved to wear ethnic dresses, like Tibetan clothing, as to confirm her curiosity for unconventionals.
She
was the one who started talking to me the first time; she was the one
who invited me out for walking, for eating, for drinking; she was the
one who kissed me the first time.
December 6th 2016. We were in the middle of the fog of the cigarette smoke of a pub (a mix of undefined irish and indian style pub), people around were noisy and boor, as usual, but that first kiss with Min Jie brought me into the paradise. I was HAPPY.
We went out the pub and waited 20 minutes for a taxi... it was cold, around -8 degrees maybe... we hugged all the time... I told her to come to my room, a single and comfy room in my company's dormitory, she replied ''Are you sure?''... Yes, that was the only thing I had been sure during all that my chinese experience.
We made love, even if we didn't make that thing... you know, the complete thing... because she had her period... but, anyway, we made love, and we slept together in our warmth. Then, I remember that I woke up for a moment in the middle of that night, and I found her caressing my face and crying... she was sad because the day after I was going to leave Yinchuan forever and move to Osaka, where a new and more-inside-the-comfort-zone job was waiting for me.
The day after she took me to the airport and we hugged for long time before our last farewell.
After, we kept in touch for three months. During that time we were boyfiend and girlfriend, as she came to make clear. We texted, we called, she was the only heater of my cold japanese room.
But then the words started to go through more solid plans for the future, of course... we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and we had to plan a way to come back together and build something serious, with solid rooths. That's FUCKING natural.
But there it came the Vittorio I hate... my stupid stagnation, indolence, laziness, fear of the future, fear of moving forward, moving out of my comfort zone, doing sacrifices and growing adult.
I found the perfect girl for me, then I decided to give up with her.
She offered me happiness, but I was afraid to accept it.
Min Jie, thank you for the unforgettable memories you gifted me.
I was young, I was not ready to embrace your greatness, I was not ready for love.
Please forgive me.
Why am I writing this now, in 2023, after 6 years?
Well, because I'm looking for a way to get rid of my depression, and this means to dig into myself and talk and face with the real Vittorio. Therefore, here is what I figured out: I just need something that makes me alive, that helps me to find back my zest of life, the same I had when I met Minjie. What's that something? That's love, of course. Real love, not the fake one I suffered in the last three years. I need to really fall in love again.
Am I ready for love now? I can't say it. But, I'm sure, if I find a woman like you... althrough impossible finding someone like you now, in my messy life... anyway, if I find a woman like you, Min Jie... I would never let you go away.
I hope you think about me sometimes, even just for a moment.
